omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
