as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
