I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
