Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
