you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Terrible idea I love it
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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