I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
