On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
