stop calling my apartment porn island.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
