I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
