Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
