Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
