oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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