No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
