I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
