I didn't shave. On purpose
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
