it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
