sarcasm needs its own font
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
