I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
