...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i've created a new STD.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
