Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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