why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.