I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
