You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
