so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
