Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
