my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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