Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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