I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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