Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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