I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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