too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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