based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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