Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
