What a fucking waste of an outfit
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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