i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
