I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize