just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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