my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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