You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
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I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
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Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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