Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
