It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We're too hungover to prance.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
