i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
