I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
