I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
