don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
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I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
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The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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