$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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