I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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