I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
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he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
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Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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