this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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