fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
