come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
