you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
