Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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