first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize