Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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