i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize