Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
