I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
