I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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