I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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