I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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