Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
